If you have read any of my previous articles, you would know that the majority of it is dark, confronting and full of angst. My intention was to start writing this article with the distrust and hate, imposed on me from the confusion of adoption.
Instead I’ve come to realise that as much as I would like to, I can’t change the fact I was adopted or change the attitudes and misdirected beliefs of people .
Only I can change the way I know and see myself.
Like all adoptees, I live in contradiction.
My hope is, as I live out this contradiction and be proud of who I am. and people I love are not upset at the decisions I’ve made to make happiness a priority in my life.
Even though it’s a daily struggle. I have now chosen to live my life with love, not hate, clarity not confusion . I’m finally realising that I’ve been living my life to please others at the expense of my true happiness. You see, that’s what happens to adoptees, they are so eager to please, so extremely haunted by rejection and abandonment that they subconsciously put the needs of others before their own. This results in stunting their personal development.
But here’s the thing… “Adoption” is fundamentally flawed.
Public awareness and access to information is sparse, poorly distributed and often relied on chance. Misperceptions about adoption and resulting stereotypes were common across the globe and still are today.
The fairy tail narrative
The current most common narrative, believes that adoption gives many children great opportunities that they may have never otherwise received. Such opportunities include loving homes and environments, parents who are able to provide and care for all their financial needs as well as access to education.
The majority of people state that their primary source of information about adoption comes from friends and family and the news media. Nevertheless, most people report the media provides them a favourable view of adoption; 72% indicated receiving positive impressions. Adoptive parents were also viewed favourably, with nearly 90% describing them as “lucky, advantaged, and unselfish.”
While the above are all positive factors that will enhance the life of the adopted child, many do not realise that there are negative effects adopted children can experience both mentally and emotionally.
You see, the general public’s presupposition of adoption has been influenced by the negative fear and bigotry of the loss of fertility, this bigotry has been instilled in generations of adoptive families by Religions, governments and their archaic views. This is a guise to line their own pockets and protect their future interests while ignoring the psychological well-being of adoptees.
Negative perceptions result in the belief that such children are so troubled it would be impossible to adopt them and create “normal” families. The most recent adoption attitudes surveys provides further evidence of this stigma. Nearly one-third of the surveyed population believed adoptees are less-well adjusted, more prone to medical issues, and predisposed to drug and alcohol problems.
Well here it is… I’m sitting here …
Reflecting on my life, breathing through who I should be, instead of my normal routine, which would be, sorrowful, grief stricken, hateful and full of resentment, which every adoptee has the right to express.
Some advice from a fellow adoptee and friend
There is but one relationship in this lifetime that you can completely guarantee you have the power over and that is to not abandon yourself. When those feelings and triggers/anxieties arise comfort that little baby boy and let him know that you are here now you are in control and that you are not going anywhere. Say it out loud to yourself and you may break down crying but you need to reassure him/your primal wound that you wont be going anywhere and that you unconditionally love him.
Our Healing begins at our very core for adoptees and first we need to establish a connection and develop a trusting relationship with that baby/ our inner child. Without doing this there will be no initial trust and it has to be there first before we can even begin to think of trusting others.
And yes it is hard, for adoptees its the hardest thing to do because it goes against everything we’ve been told to believe and, everything we’ve been thought.
Parents “should” put the needs of their babies first before their own until such time their grown children can look after themselves. They teach their children skills for independence, how to cope with the challenges. of life. Parents should help their children to develop a strong sense of pre adoption identity and self confidence.
More often than not “people” or “family” who are supposed to be there for you, they unknowingly and some times willingly take advantage of the adoptees plight to fill some kind of personal need and we feel obligated to play along.
So that’s it, now you know the truth.
See more of my writing here.