Mothers Day for an adoptee

The normal experience for an adoptee is feeling secretly disjointed, exposed, racked with guilt for not bonding with their adoptive mother. We are told to be grateful for that connection but we never had or couldn’t develop it. At the same time having extreme feelings of loss and grief of not knowing their birth mother.

However, I’m in an alternate universe where my adoptive mother now doesn’t want to acknowledge my happiness for finding my birth mother and being with my new partner. I hope she can get past her issues, I haven’t spoken to her for just over 2 years because of her overwhelming need to control my life.

As much as it pains me, I believe this need for control may have come from not dealing with her own wounds of giving away her own first child and infertility. This has possibly left a wound that has produced some form of narcissism.

There are four dimensions of narcissism as a personality variable have been delineated: leadership/authority, superiority/arrogance, self-absorption/self-admiration, and exploitativeness/entitlement.

My unwillingness to allow her control has resulted in Narcissistic Rage.

Challenge to their Confidence: People with narcissism often place unrealistic demands on their partner or children. These demands are frequently challenged by the person in the relationship. When challenged, the narcissists’ brittle egos are unable to accept the idea that they were wrong or seen as imperfect. They turn this into a personal attack and respond with rage toward that person to regain their sense of superiority.

Injury to Self-Esteem: When a narcissist’s shortcomings are pointed out by someone, they feel an overwhelming sense of shame. The narcissist then lashes out toward the person who pointed out the shortcomings. The rage is executed to seek revenge upon the accuser. The need for revenge results in explosive rage and does not die down until the narcissist feels the person was dealt appropriate punishment.

False Sense of Self: The narcissist has a false sense of self. Underlying this false sense of self are feelings that he is not loveable for who he is or what he offers in relationships. When a lover or partner begins to feel doubts about the narcissist, that is when the narcissistic rage surfaces.

I wish she knew I love her without her need to pretend and project a false self for the sake or perception of others. 

I wish her and my first mother a happy Mother’s Day.

One thought on “Mothers Day for an adoptee”

  1. It’s not an easy day for us adoptees it’s a mixed bag and we are caught in the middle of it. Bonding is very difficult it’s hard to describe you need to be adopted to really understand.
    Shalom is essential to our peace of mind.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: